Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
