shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
