this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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