Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
