i just had sex bonerless
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
