i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
