I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
