worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
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You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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