I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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