Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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