Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
