she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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