Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
