Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
