Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I checked into jail on foursquare
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
