I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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