I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
