sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
