There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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