I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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