i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Michael Bay diarrhea
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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