I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
