More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
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Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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