i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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