I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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