you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
