i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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