I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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