The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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