my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
