I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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