It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
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