possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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