ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
