just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
