I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
