So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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