Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
