I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
