Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
