i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
