I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
