I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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