I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
