but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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