You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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