I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
