I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
