sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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