your parents love me but you hate me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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