u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
