If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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