I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
