hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
