I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
