When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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