Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
