she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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