Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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