so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
