What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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