i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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